Worksheet · Relationships and family
Catch the moment when emotions take over — and instead of shouting or going silent, ask your partner for specific words and actions.
Online version
Arguments flare up over little things, and you don’t notice when you start shouting.
After your partner makes a comment, panic, hurt or anger rises inside you.
You shut down and withdraw, and later regret not saying anything.
How it works
In every argument one situation sets off a loop in each partner: situation → thought → emotion → reaction (S.T.E.R.). The brain instantly fills in the story (“I’m not loved, I’ll end up alone”), an emotion rises after it, and the emotion switches on a familiar role and reaction. One partner’s action becomes a new situation for the other — and the loops wind each other up.
The script slows that moment down. You write down what is happening to you, and instead of an abstract “I need attention” you name what your partner can actually give you right now: specific words and actions. Writing makes you go through this path consciously — and the conversation is less likely to turn into a fight.
A script from the author’s practice: couples use it in consultations and at his relationship seminar. In its logic it is close to “I-statements” and to the structured dialogue used in relationship education programs — such programs improve communication skills (meta-analysis by Hawkins and colleagues, 2008).
The script is for ordinary arguments between people who want to reach an agreement. If there is violence, threats or fear for your safety in the relationship, this is not a communication problem: call 116 006 (victim support crisis line, around the clock, in Estonian, Russian and English) or 112.
If this topic feels familiar, a consultation can help clarify what is happening in your situation and identify practical next steps.
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